Is the patch right for me?

Being a female sucks sometimes. I'm not even going to go down the "anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die..." road right now. Once in a while you get to a point in your life where you are faced with birth control choices. There are a lot of choices out there. I decided hmmm I bet the patch is convenient and could be an excellent choice for my busy lifestyle. They really like to push the busy lifestyle thing. I selected the option on their website "Is the Patch for Me?" Not only am I frightened of The Patch, I fear for my life now. Let me run down some of the possible side effects associated with hormonal bc in general. Blood clots that could kill you, sinus infections, weight gain, edema, sinusitis, nausea, headaches, breast tenderness, dizziness, hair loss, bone density loss,acne, high blood pressure, and of course loss of libido. What a great idea. To avoid pregnancy let's just get rid of the sex drive entirely. It's like that diet pill that makes you poop your pants. It literally says that pooping yourself is a high possibility. I can see how that could be effective. I'm at a total loss but at least I don't have to worry about crapping myself.

Me n Martha

I always turn into Martha Stewart when I'm throwing a party. I bought new tiki torches although I will probably forget the torch fluid and run out of time anyways. I have a color scheme (green and pink thank you for asking.) I envision myself in the kitchen with Martha cutting strawberries, or making origami napkin rings. All of this of course is very far from reality. My lawn is straw and I spent an hour picking up dehydrated dog shit. My porch has dog vomit and rotten potatos strewn about. I will somehow roughly pull it all together in time but there will not be any origami napkin rings or functional tiki torches.

Joel also has a celebrity envisionment. His would be with Johnny Depp. They would be swinging together without a care in the world. He also has a runner up. Him and Danial Day Lewis would sit and smoke pipes and menacingly glare out a window all grizzled like. I wonder if we really did get our celebrity match ups what would happen. I think the swings would be close to reality. My guess is Johnny probably does like to swing carefree. I think Martha would see the dog vomit and potatos and leave. It's also possible she wouldn't make it past the life size zombie statue bursting out of the ground in the front yard. Who knows.

LGBTA

On my venture to Costco my hubby somehow brings up LGBTA. Although I am a member of the LGBT at my work it makes me giggle and I say "A Lettuce Gay Bacon Tomato and Avacado?" DH then comes up with an idea of a Gay Deli. The said deli would have things like the LGBTA and a roast beef sandwich called a pink taco with strategically placed meat. The deli's name would be Stuff'n meat. A pun on Meat N Stuff. Wow.

I can TOO write like David Sedaris

I've realized I have interesting randomness in my life. Okay, maybe "interesting" isn't the best word but it's definately something. I tell my hubby about this and how I think I could write stories like David Sedaris. He questioned my writing ability. It's probably a mistake to compare yourself to an accomplished writer so I'm using the comparison very very loosely. I have funny things happen to me and I feel obligated to share them. A great example would be our female extended benefit program at work.
Our old building would supply free tampons in the bathroom and it was awesome. The new building does not have this bene. I work in an open environment and it makes discreetly slipping a feminine product into your pocket difficult. If you've never tried slipping a tampon into your skin tight 7s and not look like you're happy to see someone, you wouldn't quite understand. At this point I decided a quarter was much more discreet. I slip my incognito change into the slot, turn the knob and nothing. Nothing happens. My quarter is gone but it is the ultimate purchase FAIL. I look at my hand and I look at the slot. I have freakishly small wrists so I choose to chance it. It's a really close fit. I lube up with a little soap and ultimately I'm in! Of course as my hand is elbow deep in a tampon dispenser a coworker walks in. I nonchalantly say "hey" and give a nod. There seems to be some sort of tampon log jam. I relieve this jam and since I am not a thief, I leave the extras for others who may have been cheated out of their wad o cotton as well. I think it's funny so I tell the only person who may possibly find some sick humor in my embaressment. Hey says "wow you're like a tampon lumberjack!" I have now been affectionatley been dubbed The Lumberjack.